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IF wonder what it would be like if i was gone and never came back. or if i died in some type of accident. how would it affect tabby? would she cry and forget about it sooner or later or would she remember it for the rest of her life.
if i left her life forever would she somedai be married n have MORE kids. or still be single and independent. would i pop into her head everyday, or when little things reminded her of me. or would she RARELY think of me? would she tell her kids about me or NEVER mention me? all this i wonder.
but most of all i worry that i wont be able to tell her how i TRULY feel. not thru a message, a poem, a phone call. but face to face. since i rarely get to see her since she's so busy. i wonder if i would be able to tell her how i feel without chocking on my words. without lookin at the floor trying to hold back the tears that i have kept inside of me.
i wonder if it would affect her life any? she knows how i feel alrady but ....... i have never had one on one time to tell her to her face. to look into her eyes and tell her. i have never gotten the time i wish i could spend with her. no matter how many dreams or thoughts i have of how it could be, i kno it will never be. and that's what hurts the most :( .
in my dreams she loves me like i love her. maybe even more.
THE KISSES, THE HUGS, THE TOUCHES. when i go to sleep and dream about being with her, she loves me so much its non real. she loves me the way i wish she would. but when i wake i have a feeling of overwhelming sadness. and i wish my dream never would've finished. that i could stay stuck in my dream and not wake up.
and when at times i start liking someone or start flirting wit someone ..... i feel GUILTY like i have somehow betrayed her. or cheated or something even doe we dont go out. so from now on .... im gonna stop flirting wit people. stop tyring to fall in luv wit other people and get over her. ima heal in a WHILE HOPEFULLY. i wont heal 100 percent. i wont be the same person i was before i met her. because she changed me. she taught me how to luv, to truly luv someone even if dey dont luv u back. she taught me how not to care wat anyone thinks. because i would shout to da whole world, make flyers just to let people know how much i luv her. i think that even if the whole world knew how much i luved her she wouldn't know. ya kno? trying to get her to see how much i luv her and wish i could be with her is like a person who speaks english and only english trying to communicate with a person who speaks spanish and only spanish. but MOST important of all she taught me HEARTBREAK...... and how u can love someone SO much that no matter how what they do or say . u wil alwayz love them.like dey say ... there is that one person in the world that you will ALWAYs love and nothing can change that, you will never get COMPLETELY over them. she is that someone.
I have gaven up on loving ANYONE else. cuz i kno no matta how much i luv someone else she will alwayz have dat NUMBER ONE spot in my heart. doe i will most likely not have dat same spot inside hers.
i TRULY hope dat ONE dai she find dat SPECIAL someone. dat someone who will NEVERR do her bogus, who will luv her more than nethang. dat someone who i obviously COULDN'T amount to.
this saying reminds me of her >>>>> " the love that you can NOT have last the longest, hurtts the deepest, feels the strongest"
11:30 pm 1/7/08
MONDAY January 7th 2008
Tabby’s shoutout / on my page
explain how i feel bout her is ImPoSSiBLe. i have so many feelings 4 her that to even just TrY to start and explain would take 4ever. i was in the eight grade when i met her. i met her at the boys and girls club ( place where kids can go to do homework or just play basketball or just hang out). she was best friends with my sister that year and ...... she went their along wit my sisters other friend kari to hang out. so NOT exactly sure on the date but i think it was like a couple dayz before halloween or something because they were throwing a halloween party. i remember i was playing ice hockey and i was beating everyone i played. then she came up and was like i bet i can beat you. so we played. she was the only one i couldn't beat. we ended up in a tie. she PROMISED that we would play again soon. then me and my sisters had to go. i remember when we were leaving that she gave me a hug. i still haven't forgotten how that hug felt... idk why. and i remember as me and liz and my lil sisters walked home i thought .... " whoever goes out with tabby is a lucky guy". idk why i thought that but i did. and then i didn't hear from her for a longggggggg time. the next time i heard from her was like a couple of months later. i heard that she was preg. and i thought to myself ..... not my tabby not the same tabby i met. but .... that was one of the best things that happened. she had her my son. i didn't get to see him though. then barely last year ... in my freshman year like a year after the first time i saw her we started talking. on myspace i found her on my sisters page. lol i remember i was so excited. it was in january of 2007 that we had started talking i REMEMBER ... I WAS FEEling sad as hell kinda depressed and ... i remember she talked to me every single dai around that time. cuz she had a boifriend and dey alwayz talked on myspace. then ..... i saw her in the summer of 2007 cuz .... i mean she was a busy gurl so it was a while b4 i could see her. i couldn't stop thinkin of her dat whole dai. den dis year sophmore year we started seeing each other more. like around septmeber and october. then that kind of stopped :( but itz ok. i still see her once in a while. we talk everyonce in a while. she gott a boifriend ..... lol guyz stay stedy on her joc. and he take up her time along wit my son and her college classes and her job. u kno she 18 she on dat grown level lol. i hate how bitchez talk shyt bout her . i will fight ANY bitch 4 her / over her. i will do netahng and errythang 4 her. the days that i do get to talk to her which are rare. but the days i do get to see her i have a smile on my face and can't NO ONE take it off. i wish we could talk more but .... she has bigger priorities. thats ok though i understand. i will wait like i alwayz have and alwayz will until she has time 4 me. some days i feel so LOST and ALONE witout her. dere are so many songs that remind me of her. so many LITTLE thangs that will remind me of her and make me think of her. there SERIOUSLY isn't a SINGLE that i dont think of her. i think of her so many times in a day its unreal. we have had many memories and .... that's what keeps me up when im feeling down. i remember how proud of her i was when i saw her graduate lol i got her a flower ... with my lameass. and when i saw my son that dai of her graduation. we had to push past hundreds of people to get to the top of the stairs/bleachers where he was. lol and i carried him and he dind't wnat me :( lol but itz ok. i mean he didn't really know me then. i remember that day when we peed by the lake and the walk in the park we had tooken that night too. and how u had told me i was all talk but no action lol. im SHY duhhh. and how u had sang to me that same night u sang me ..... "SO CONFUSED" by Pretty ricky. and then that one night at aftershock. or on OCTOBER 13TH .... man datz alwayz fenna b a special dai 2 me. 4EVER in my life. so many memoriiez and hopefully we have more. if i had 2 give up everything i have ever had.... just 2 b wit u.. i would. remembe tabby....... dat one night when we were in the car that one day with AC. and how he made u mad and i asked u wat would make u happier and u loooked straight into my eyez and said ''YOU'' that was one of da most speciaelst moments in my life even doe i didn't show it. i mean that just made me love you way more than i already do. i wish u would call me or write me at least once a week or once a month or something to keep in touch. or that u would cum see me so i could give u hugs. did u kno the feeling that i miss the most is having ur hugs? i miss that more than anythang..... well i miss ur _ _ _ _ _ _ more lol.if i ever lost this gurl i would seriously die. no PLaY pLaY. i would NEVVERR b da same witout this gurl. she has taught me a LOT as long as i have known her. she has thought me that you can only trust CERTAIN people. but most importantly she has taught me luv ....... and heartbreak. LoVe YoU aLwAyz AnD FoReVeR
soooooo 4 christms jus was wit da fam. opened presents n shyt. got sum bathe stuff..... sum stffed animalz n shyt n makeup n all dat chu know. didn' really get nothang dt great but itz ok. da kidz got dey toyz. i mean i kno mah famz is / was strugglin so itz o kdat i aint get much. plus da only thang dat i wanted is 4 rashel and lola 2 get out of lokup and b happi but coudn't no1 give me dat gift. so itz w/e. richard aka mah FAKE big bro. lol he aint mah real big bro but i call him dat. he came bi drpped off a gift 4 me. it waz 2 kute cuz he was da only persno 2 give me a gift besides mah fam. so christms wa w/e i guess. rashel was suppsed to get out o nda 24tth. i had gone over dere to drop off her stuffed doggy and shyt and ..... she wasn't dere. her mom told me dat she wsna't fenna cum back till da 27th becuz she was talkin during bedimte in lockup and ur not aloud to b talkin during bedtime in lokup. but of course rashel talked cuz she cant keep her mouth shut. i wanna b mad at her 4 talkin n makin herself stay dere 4 christmas but ..... i can't so itz da 27th n she was supposed to b cuming out todai cuz she had done 3 extra daiz 4 talkin already. but ........ she mesed up again. i dont kno wat exactly she did but she still in dere. man i miss her. n i dont kno watz goin on wit lola cuz da last time i talked to lola brother was like on da beggining of dec o sum shyt n yah. i dont kno doe. i was jus on lolaz myspace page. even doe she aint gotten on since she's been loked up. i still got on cuzi wanted to see her picz n jus idk i was thinkin bout her. i feel like kring da way i miss her. n rashel. i kno eventually rashel will cum out n i will see her. but i dont kno if i will see lola u kno ???
ALSOOOOOO tabby is falling in love with her boifriend. she's only been known him less dan a month n she alredy falling in luv wit him. man i am so jus idk. she never fell 4 me n i been known her longer but she fallz 4 a boi in like a month o sum shyt? wtf idk . man i jus wish she cared bout me :( but uhh itz w/e im out
well newayz im bout tah go so i will holla
~Kassie~
saditz w/e i guess i dont matta to tisha? idk i really dont care no more. so another thang i see on myspace is tabby has a picture of her and her boifriend ac. she only been with him for like two weeks n alreayd she falling in love with him. wtf
i been in luv wit her for so long n she been known me for so long but she never fell for me NEVERRR. itz w/e idk. wen i saw dat picture, tears just started streamin down my eyez. why? idk? i mean i thught i was over her. guess not?idk man jus fuk erryone n errythang. itz gonna b christmas n it dont even feel like it. rashels locked up n so is lola. i wonder if dey wasn't locked up if dey would even give a fuk bout me? wat if i was locekd up? who would give a fuk bout me? NO ONE. datz rite NO ONE. mayb mah fam but datz it.
itz w/e im fenna go doe cuz these tears str8 streamin down mah face fast as hell. n u kno i can't let no1 see me krying.
CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE?
MY MOM AND DAD ARE ARGUING. MY DAD IS AN ALCOHOLIC. SOMETHANG HE WONT ADMIT. HE HAS ALWAYZ BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC AND ALWAYZ WILL BE. HE DOESN'T DRINK AS MUCH AS HE USED TO WHEN MY MOM AND HIM GOT MARRIED. WELL AT LEAST WE DONT see him drinking o w/e. but he hasn't drunk 4 a while now dat we know. idk. COMPLICATED. but ..... todai he came home drunk. i was asleep with rashels dog and he jumped on me. hitting me and shyt like playing around and shyt. i dont kno. den breana came and started telling me to stop hitting dad. da only reason i was hitting him was so he could get off of me or w/e. so i pushed him off n got in da shower cuz mom told me to. so i did. and wen i came out mom was arguing wit breana telling her dat daddy is drunk. dat she knows he's drunk becuz she has know him and dealt with this for 20 years.
datz a long time i kno...... so i came home from skoo todai and dad was gone. so yah. i guess he punched a hole thru da wall while he was trying to get money n shyt.
DEN HE came home after i was here for like ten minutes. mom gave me some of his stuff that i was supposed to give him. so he came to da door and i gave him da stuff. he said he wanted his sleeping bag so i came inside locked da door to get da sleeping bag. and daisy and breana were still outside with him. i gave it to him and he told me to follow him . i thought he wanted help carrying da stuff. so he went to da van and put da stuff in. i handed him da stuff and he got dem and put dem in. den i starte to walk off. he said
DAD: GET IN.....
* i kept walking *
den he said
DAD: get in
so i didn't wanna get so i told him
ME: I CAN'T
DAD: GET IN
*his eyes were teary*
ME: I CAN'T DAD
DAD: COEM ON WE ARE GOING TO GO BUY FOOD FOR U GUYS TO EAT
ME: I CAN'T DAD
DAD: " IM UR DAD CAN'T U GET IN THE CAR WITH UR DAD?''
*it looked like he was going to kry and i just said
ME: I CAN'T
*den i walked off*
i came back inside almost krying but i kno i cant kry cuz mom doesn't want us krying ova him. and all dat. i gotta stay strong. i mean he's mah dad i luv him and errythang but da shyt he does is bogus. when he drinks he is not my dad ...... not my dad at all. so idk
so he came back thirty min lata
he called said he had boughten us foodAND dat he needes his gloves so daisy and me went to get da food and bring da gloves.
we were getting da food cuz he had it on da seat and he just looked at us didn't say nothang. den wen we were bout to go he said '' just know that i love you girls.
NOW I FEEL LIKE KRYING SOOO BAD ........ TEARS ARE FALLING DOWN MY FACE.
I CAN'T HELP IT I GO T SO MUCH STRESS.
MY DAD N MOM ARGUING. AND IM WORRIED DAT DAD IS SUICIDAL OR W/E N HE MIGHT KILL HIMSELF OR SOMETHING. AND ALL OF MY HOMIEZ ARE LOCKED UP. MY SKOO WORK. PEOPLE TALKING SHYT. JUST ERRYTHANG IS FINALLY GETTING TO ME :(
ME: hey chandra can i have rashels stuffed dog, da big one?
den chandra jus wnt and got him and all she said was '' make sure u bring him back ''
i sai ddont worry i willl
man idk den ....... i walked across da street to mah house n i was almost kryin n shyt. den i wnt to dat choir concert of daisy. it was fun as hell cuz suelyn is funny and fun.
den i came home. daisy got on da computer so i went to mah room. layed down wit rashels stuffed dog and just kried a lil bit. i mean i da tears were coming out so fast i COULDN'T stop dem.i kried for like five min den stopped. i dont kno i mean i just miss her soooooooo much. i mean im used to not seeing her for long periods of timez. but at least i know dat she b in da streets kikin it wit homiez and stayin at dey houses. at least i kno she know how tah survive in da streets. but in lock up. i mean she so tiny, and skinny. she could get her ass whooped. i swear tah god if dey put dey hands on ha i would fukin trip. idk its almost fenan b midnite so im fenna go to mah room to go to sleep and kry.
~kassie~
ITZ ALMOST TEN IN DA NITE AND IM SITTIN HERE TAKING CARE OF gabriel aka DIS CHILD DEVOLPMENT BABI. OK SO dis is embarrasing to say but i think im gonna miss him. i dont know i mean .... i took care of him 4 three dais. yah so he a fake babi but itz w/e. i guess da feeling of being needed made him seem so real? idk and he also reminds me of dae dae aka my/tabby'z son. sometimes he make lil sounds dat sound like dae dae and make me wanna kry.
but ..... id dont kno. i keep playing aaliyahs song "i miss you" by aaliyah over and over. why? im krying rite now real talk. i mean who am i missing so much dat im krying? im thinking mayb LOLA or RASHEL or tabby or DAE DAE aka mah son. or mayb im krying cuz im feeling depressed? feeling unloved?
now below im fenna put da song in honor of erryone im missing. rashel, lola,tabby,dae dae, n jus erryone else i guess?
AALIYAH LYRICS
"Miss You"
[Chorus]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
(Said I need you)
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Verse 1]
Off to college
Since you went away
Straight from high school
You up and left me
We were close friends
Also lovers
Did everything
For one another
Now you're gone and I'm lost without you here now
But I know I gotta live and make it somehow
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Callin')
Hear me...callin' (For you)
For you...'Cause it's
[Chorus]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Verse 2]
Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby
Come back...to me
Can you...feel me (Callin')
Hear me...callin' (For you)
For you...'Cause it's
[Chorus 2x]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
[Bridge]
I...can't...breathe...no...more
Since you went away I
Don't really feel like talkin'
No one here to love me
Baby do you understand me
I can't do or be without you
[Chorus 3x]
It's been too long and I'm lost without you
(Tell me what I'm gonna do)
What am I gonna do?
Said I been needin' you, wantin' you
Wonderin' if you're the same and who's been with you
Is your heart still mine?
I wanna cry sometimes
I miss you
who went afta her to see if she was ok? WHO?
me!!!!
yah exactly i was da only one who went afta her. da only one who went to check if she was ok. or if she needed a shoulder to kry on. n yah ok dat was a couple of months ago. u woulda thought she wouldn't b doing me bogus how she is rite now. so she doesn't owe me for being dere 4 her cuz i would do dat for ANYBODY especially people i care bout. but you woulda thought she wouldn't b mean tah me cuz of dat o w/e. idk i think it makes her happi or her dai better to do me bogus or make me feel like shyt :(. I FEEl like krying so bad but .... i aint fenna let HER make me kry. it aint worth it. if she can make me kry n feel bad n shyt den why should i give a fuk bout her? i keep telling mahself dis but yet .........i can't seem to bring mahself to IGNORE her n wat she does to me and not let her get to me. it just HURTS so much :(.
~kAssIe~